KEEP CALM AND JOIN AIESEC
My name is Rehman. I don't kill people, I never robbed a bank, I'm not trying to overthrow any governments and I don't deal or partake in illegal substances.
I am Indian. Now take every Indian stereotype you know, and use it on me. Now you know me. Follow me on twitter / facebook / linkedin
www.twitter.com/Rehman_A
www.facebook.com/rehman.abdur
www.linkedin.com/in/rehman23
| The World Cup Explained To Americans In 7 Pictures. 1. Call The Sport ‘Football’. For Once, Just Try Pleasing The World.  (Even though we both know football is played on Sundays.) 2. When Players Celebrate, There’s A Lot Of Affection. A LOT Of Affection.  If you score, you might actually score. 3. The Chicks Are Incredibly Hot  For the record, I've never seen this at a Jays-Orioles game. 4. People Are Pissed Off About A Horn  Start conversation with "how about that vuvuzela?" Boom. 20 minute conversation. Or if you want to mess with people, ask them if they've seen "2 Girls 1 Vuvuzela". 5. A Red Card Means Bad Shit Just Happened.  If you want to fit in, refer to this individual as the 'spawn of Satan'. And then remark, "look at his bitch-tits" 6. There’s No Scoring To Interrupt You While You Admire The Beauty Of The Game.  Even though this game ended in a goalless tie, there were exciting chances and someone in the stands was lit on fire. 7. There Are NO Fans Like These.  Think Yankee fans are hardcore? If this guy's team doesn't win, he'll cut you. That’s really all you need to know. |
This is what you’ll find: gold machine guns, mansions, exotic animals, private zoo, massive amounts of money and more!
“Friends, R-tards, Perverts, Trolls,
I am honored beyond belief to be receiving such a high award this day, but I know this is a somewhat controversial decision to many. Some say that I am “not a person” and perhaps we should “not be giving out awards to abstract fucking concepts.” To them I say: When Time gave the ‘Person of the Year’ award to ‘You’ back in 2006, did you think that was ‘a stunt’? A stupid gimmick? Little more than a carnival grade tchotchke to artificially boost the self worth of fat middle-aged women who only suck breath another day thanks to the motivational kick of their ‘Hang in There’ kitten posters?
No! It was totally valid and not a gimmic- Holy shit look! It’s a mirror!
Though I do agree in part with those that say my humble contributions do not warrant such an esteemed award, I cannot abide by the statement that no abstract concepts should be honored in ways they cannot possibly live up to or appreciate. If that kind of thinking prevailed, ‘Words’ would have never won the Pulitzer, ‘Food’ wouldn’t have won the Humanitarian of the Year Award for its unceasing efforts in stomping out hunger, Honor would never have received the Medal of Honor, and Titties would not be President of the United States. That, friends, is a dark world I am glad we did not see.
Hail to the chiefs.
But I digress, this is not a night about disproving my detractors; this is a night to thank all those who have given so much to put me here now. Where do I even start? I’d like to thank file sharing, of course: Without the promise of ‘free shit,’ there’s simply no way I would have the bandwidth I do now. I’d like to thank Google for all of their hard work in taking over every aspect of me with the iron fist of a Marvel Comics villain. I’d like to thank Facebook and MySpace for eliminating the concept of real world friendship and replacing the interpersonal gesture with the poke button and the thrown sheep.
…and the Friendly Gifts, and the Vampire Mafias, and the Crop Star Invites, and the…
I have to thank Twitter for its revolutionary work in facilitating instant news updates to a worldwide network, and also for using that network to keep us abreast of the status of everybody’s sandwiches and exactly how “redonk” they were. I thank those who have sacrificed all to get us here as well: Thank you Netscape, for tanking so instantly the very second the first hint of competition showed up, thus allowing better browsers to shine through with ease; thank you webcomics, for supplying reams of free content while eschewing all semblance of quality and sanity, thus setting back the cause of the cartoon as an art-form after more than 50 years of Family Circus; and special thanks to 4chan, for basically being a giant asshole corral, containing and concentrating all the negative impulses of humanity in one easy-to-avoid site.
Truly, 4chan is a saint.
But most of all, I’d like to thank my soulmate. My heart, my life, my love, my partner through thick and thin–come on up here, baby! This is just as much yours as it is mine:
Thank you, pornography!
Now, I see some of you laughing. Why is that? Without pornography, I would still be a clunky, text-based interface obscured from mainstream adoption by the dense foliage of unfamiliar technology. We all know that pornography is the spur for mass acceptance. It has decided every media war: It killed beta and ushered in VHS. It murdered HD-DVD; it pimped out the digital camera–it has always been the decider, and the personal computer owes a great debt to it.
“Yeah yeah yeah, I get it: Artificial thinking machine. Listen, Frank, if this thing can show me titties bouncing then I’ll cut you a check.”
Without the appeal of free porn, the consumer would not have overcome the impressive learning curve required for PC use, they would have been adverse to adopting expensive, incomprehensible new equipment, and would have balked at paying yet another monthly subscription fee for access. Without pornography’s presence on the Internet acting as a siren song for the lonely, the desperate, the–aw hell, let’s just say it–the men, I would have been, at best, an obscure archival tool; at worst, a shameful toy for nerds. There can be no doubt that I am so much more than pornography now, of course. I’m not saying that’s all I consist of. No! I am shared information. I am the very concept of communication between human beings distilled to its essence. I am the great equalizer and the epitome of free speech and all that good stuff. I’m just saying that if I wasn’t absolutely filled with the weirdest kind of fuckin’, I would not be the widespread tool of change that I am. So really what it all comes down to is this: A Nobel Peace Prize for the Internet is a Nobel Peace Prize for Pornography. And you earned it, honey. Here: Take it.”
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Funny Answers to Science Test Questions
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades:
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
